Monday, January 23, 2012

4 months

Well it's been 4 months today since Lindsay died and it is still hard to imagine. We celebrated Cash's 1st birthday without her, we celebrated mine and my Mom's birthday without her, and we celebrated Christmas without her. Even though I say "without" her I know she is still here with us in spirit through every celebration. Ya know people kept telling me that it gets easier and every time that happened I wanted to smack them up side the head and tell them to shut up. It would frustrate me for people to tell me how to feel when they haven't ever felt the feelings that I am/was feeling losing a sister. I know it was all to help but really, c'mon on! It actually has gotten a tiny, tiny, tiny bit easier. I don't cry everyday now. With that being said, I do hurt and miss her tremendously every second of the day. I know one day when the 23rd rolls around I won't think first thing that it was the day we lost Lindsay. It makes me happy that I can still point at her picture with Brody and he says "Mommy." :) Even though I know it will probably happen, I don't ever want him to forget her. I hate that Cash will never remember her, but we will tell him all about her when he gets older. I had lunch with a friend a couple of weeks ago and we were talking about the memories we had with her. She said that I should write in a journal all of the memories and stories I have about her. I think that is a good idea. I don't want it to get to the point where I forget. I think it will bring me comfort later in the years to sit down and ready those stories and memories when I am really missing her. I have to stop myself often about thinking that she won't be standing by my side when I get married or have babies. It tears my heart a little more every time I do. I know that I will get through this but right now I am still just taking it one day at a time.

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